Really, seriously? ugh...

So I am cruising along. Singing a happy tune, positive, open, joyous as the day is freaking long. And smack...I don't know what I hit but the after effects aren't feeling too good. Maybe it is delayed reaction to the shit of the ex leaving. Most likely the effects of jumping into the dating pool too fast with someone that there is incredible chemistry with and going hay why not go big? Ummm... because dumb ass if you go this fast with your heart right there on your cute little sleeve you're gonna get it and it isn't going to be good.

I mean seriously "it" isn't bad. In the grand scheme of things it is just a bump in the road. But this is why people take there time getting back out there right? You can't just go around being all positive in shit when the old shit isn't neatly packaged and thrown out. Too many bumps in the road too close together are a very tricky thing indeed. Not enough self emotional care and sparse support is not good either.

Its been a long time coming

Long time comin' by Bruce Springsteen plays on repeat today. That song seems perfect for where I am. As I sit here thinking and worrying. My tummy doing flip flops of joy and pure nerves. I know I get to choose a path of abundance, joy and trust, pure trust. I've never walked that path before and I am uncertain. So I stop to count my blessings again and check in with my faith. I have faith, dreams, hopes and more than enough to make it happen. The meantime is kicking my confidence in moments today.

This image swirls in my head...

I'd welcome you to my table tonight. My dear Jack, just to share in the whole of it all. Spaghetti, salad would feed us all. Nothing else in the cupboard, but we have enough to share. I'd share sweet looks, crossed legs, small touches. All movements would let you know that in the circle of those gathered here tonight I am yours. That my joy is for all but my surrender is for you. There is a touch more abundance than we thought possible.

We'd listen to someone's troubles bigger than our own. Wine for me, beer in the bottle for you, milk for the kiddo. While the warmth of the night surrounds us we'd anticipate the quiet. When everyone is gone or asleep. Then our sounds would emerge. The sounds of our softness, our passion and force. All of them wrapped together to make us complete. Completely bound to each other.


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XelwSWXPMrA

on the cusp of a new year

so here we are on the cusp of a new year and I wonder....

Am I done making stupid mistakes? Some how I doubt it but I would like to limit them to errors in judgement involving sex. With safer sex practices in mind, I can afford to be a bit loosey goosey. I'd rather make better choices financially, at work, with my parenting and health. Save the stupid shit for sex.

Maybe this makes me a person of questionable morals. I think that if I can do some giant mistake containment to just that one area it would be a huge improvement.

So for improvements in other areas I think it is time to develop my inner confidence and hotness. I am going to get it going on in the apartment complex gym if I have to do it in 15 min. intervals as that is all I can handle or all the kiddo will tolerate coloring while I move a bit.

Let's be honest I am not going to be able to keep my stupid mistakes to sex if I can't get laid.

I threatened to start a blog

I was joking with a friend at work right before the holiday break. I said, "I think I'll start a blog about all the crap happening in my relationship." I forgot I'd already started one. Curses....

I decided not to delete my previous posts but renamed the blog. A bit more honest about where I am at right now. I am generally a cheerful person however, I am grumpy a lot these days. I blame my relationship. Ugh...

I changed the picture to cupcakes. Because I don't want folks to know who I am anymore. If you know where the cupcake picture came from then well I guess it is no secret that I am more grumpy these days.

What if?

There are moments when life hands you a surprise. You wonder what to do with it. Run and chase after fleeting fun. Or do you sit, admire, smile and move on. You know when you choose to run with it things get interesting.

I've been trying to date. Looking close to home, getting out some, meeting new people. Dating definitely isn't easy but you've got to try. Or end up a single mom whose mother and sister live with you. The cat just furthers the cliche. Dating hasn't been easy. Progress has been made. Putting myself out there was going along just fine.

Then she winked. Yes, through one of those online dating sites. Just a wink, she lives far away. Couldn't live much further if we planned it. So why not wink back? What could really happen? I really didn't think the question needed to be answered so thoroughly. Wink, email, chat and then talking on the phone.

I'm not saying I hear violins from Maine all the way here in Oregon. I hear connection, shared values and good old fashioned hot and heavy breathing. Intense phone calls and very little sleep. Now we've planned a visit. Life feels different now that I am feeling.

Holiday vacation

My holiday vacation is in full swing. All day cartoon festival with lunch on the living room floor. This is the life. I have presents to wrap, a trip to the bank and founds some cheap folding chairs online. I really should get going but this type of unstructured time is precious.

Preping for the scope

I'm a healthy person but over the last year my tummy and digestive system have been going down the tubes. Now I am at the point of needing a endoscopy and colonoscopy. While these sound like fun tests I'm reluctant. Even more reluctant now that I am hungry.

You can read all about the prep on line I don't need to rehash it here. I spent Saturday night out dancing and drinking. I missed dinner, not a good plan for someone who was about to starve. Then when I got home I should have shuffled into the kitchen for a last minute snack before the dawn 0f liquids only. Humph! Choices, choices.

Today I have consumed more jello than is natural and I'm still 24 hours away from food. The idea that I could enjoy chicken broth is hilarious but I tried it. My daughter wants to make cookies today too. I don't know if I have it in me not to cheat. Which I looked up online, I can't tell if there would be severe consequences.

I'm getting ready to spend the evening in the bathroom and I just thought of something not on the doctors directions. Have a good book, magazine, technical article handy. I am searching for a book I haven't read several times.

Back to the jello.